somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Randomize
