There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
