ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
