i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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