he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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