does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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