Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
