I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
