i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.