You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Randomize
