i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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