Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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