Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
