My first STD was from a foam party
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
