I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
