i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
