I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
