They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Are we still banned from the library?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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