he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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