I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
