Have you finally orgasmed yet?
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
