Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
