...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
FUCK WHALES
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
