gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
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Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
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We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
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