I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
