Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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