Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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