don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
