I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
We need to get me chipped asap
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
