Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
