I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
