Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
