M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
