During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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