Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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