Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Randomize
