these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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