My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
