Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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