Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
