Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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