I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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