Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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