Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
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