Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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