Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(281): View more from Texas

Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles

(205): View more from Alabama

for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today

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(417): View more from Missouri

when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Girls should come with a carfax report

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(213): View more from California

How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.

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The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
Read it at the TFLN blog
(489): View more from

watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .

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(803): View more from South Carolina

you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.

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(310): View more from California

i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic

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(630): View more from Illinois

Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???

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