Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
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At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
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Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...