I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
23 Absolutely Despicable Things That People Have Actually Done
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
25 Disturbing Facts That Will Make You Question Everything
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.