I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
These 19 Men’s Fashion Mistakes are Unforgivable, According to Women
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
25 Cringeworthy Below the Pants Injuries
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.