So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
