i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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