We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
