Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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