broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.