So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo