bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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