you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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