I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.