he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
