she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
