We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Bring me that man meat
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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