peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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