You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
