I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
