The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
