I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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