We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
