I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize