The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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